it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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