Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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