Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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