Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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