Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
