Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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