Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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