Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
