my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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