Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
my shit smells like andre
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
