I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
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