theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
