How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
