Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
