if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
