Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
