I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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