Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
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you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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