i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
