I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Randomize
