You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
the liver wants what the liver wants
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
