dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
