True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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