Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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