I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
