Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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