so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Even my vagina gasped.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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