I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
