Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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