I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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