I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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