The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
