areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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