Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
