if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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