Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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