We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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