it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
