Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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