I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
