tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
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