your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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