Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
