his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
