Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
