As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
We had sex on a dog bed..
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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