So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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