Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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