Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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