mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
