My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
