I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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