fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
