She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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