Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
