Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
