he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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