I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
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