hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
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I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
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Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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